Reflection of 2010

This year has been an exciting one for the Pamblanco Family! We have traveled, done lots of ministering, doing lots of home improvements, laughing, crying, working and I personally have managed to end another semester of my masters degree with a 4.0 GPA! This year has definitely been filled with a great deal of ups and downs on our journey for a family. Honestly, more lows than highs on the journey for a family, but all to say that God has BLESSED us!! Jason and I grow closer together each day on this journey and his support is unwavering. GOD has blessed us and continues to show us HIS will. We are committed to waiting for HIM to bless us in whatever way HE chooses. This year I found out I was going to be an "Auntie" for the first time which is so EXCITING ! I think my brother and his wife will be great parents and that Jason and I will be wonderful as an Auntie and Uncle. Many family members, on my side continue to be blessed with children, and as I sit waiting in expectation of God's blessing I am thankful and grateful for God's LOVE and the way HE has shown me that HE will provide and give us our heart's desire. I know that time is coming but has not gotten any easier. This blog was intended to help and inspire others on their journey, and although I have no idea who, if anybody reads this blog I am prayerful that a simple click or search will help another family to feel at peace and know they are not alone on the journey for a family. By no means was this blog created to "sugar coat" this process but to speak frankly about how hard it is and to provide support to those who need it. What I have learned in the past year is that many people just do not understand in the same way when they have had children on their own. In speaking to others on this same journey I have come to understand that this process and how one who is struggling with infertility feels and how others seems to struggle with how the one who is actually struggling with infertility feels. As someone who fights this battle everyday and does not have a single day go by thinking, "will I get to be a mother?" My feelings are real and to an outsider may seem "unreasonable" but nonetheless they are REAL feelings. This posting is for every woman and family who is out there on their knees praying for a family tonight. You are not alone!!! May God bless you and your family in the coming year!!!

PSALM 100:5:
"For God is sheer BEAUTY, all-GENEROUS in LOVE, and LOYAL ALWAYS AND EVER." (A Psalm of David, The Message)

The TEST...

Since being on this journey we have decided to do some testing to see if there is anything else we can do to help conceive on our own. Last month I scheduled a Hystosalpingogram to see if the single Fallopian tube I have was blocked but in the world of doctor's scheduling, and having to have at scheduled at the end of my monthly cycle, I had it done yesterday. The experience started off with a trip to the OB/GYN to take a pregnancy test that I knew would be negative for two reasons..1. We have tried to have a child for 5 years, and 2. I just had my cycle. But I did what we needed to do and trying to do it without others knowing was impossible because as we entered the doctor's office, at the front desk sat a church member who worked at the office- so much for anonymity. You may ask why not let others know about this test until now??? Because of the constant flooding of questions of course. We have worked very hard on this journey to do things how WE WANT to do them NOT how OTHERS THINK we should do them. With that being said, the test was negative. Moving on I left the room still feeling defeated and hopeless, because each time I take a pregnancy test I still hope to pass it will a positive like a final exam you study for weeks to prepare for. Anyway, I went to billing to get my slip to have the HSG completed- this slip had my basic info on it- then under reason for test: INFERTILITY. This hit me like a ton of bricks, I always knew we had infertility issues but to see it in writing just twisted my stomach into knots. I went out to the waiting room on the verge of tears to a loving and supportive husband who just LOVED on me like it was not a big deal and that WE were going to get through this together but for some reason seeing it in writing and on paper DESTROYED me. Next it was off to another doctor's office for the HSG, we accidentally went to the wrong floor where a not so nice lady told us we were in the wrong place- I wonder if the mean people at doctor's offices ever take two seconds to think about what the patients that are coming to them are going through? We finally made it to the right place, did the paperwork, and then the woman at the counter proceeded to tell me Jason could NOT come with me.... WATER WORKS WATER WORKS!!!!! I DID NOT want to have to do this on my own, because I wanted him there to hold my hand. We waited for a while, then they called my name.. Christina Pamblanco, I whisked off to a room where they told me to take off all my clothes except leave on my shoes and panties and then put my clothes in a locker and take the key like I was at a gym or something. So I proceeded to wait in this small room with other ladies on in their green gown, panties and shoes-AWKWARD!!! Finally my name was called yet again and I entered a giant white room with all the instruments set out for this 15 minute test. I have decided not to go into the details here, but if you want a full report feel free to ask me... but I will say it is a pain I have never felt before in my life. I was absolutely a baby... I cried, screamed, and had to breathe the pain away. After it was over I was shocked to find out that the tube is in fact OPEN not closed like I had thought- Lesson from God here... I need to have MORE FAITH!!! Now my mind is in full motion thinking.... what now? We will have an appointment with my doctor in a week or two to follow up but the next steps are up to what WE feel is best. God showed his mercy and faithfulness yet again. I was SO scared, nervous, apprehensive, and God managed to give me the sweetest doctor and nurse when it came time to actually have the test completed. God also has blessed me with the MOST INCREDIBLE and supportive husband in the world who reminds me that WE WILL get through this TOGETHER and that this is our testimony of God's love for us and our family. I LOVE YOU JASON LOUIS!!!!!

Happy VERY Belated Father's Day!!

Today I wanted to wish my sweet husband a very belated Happy Father's day!( My intention was to post this on Father's Day) After all, he is a proud "daddy" to our two sweet pups Baby and Emma. Jason, you are the most Godly, loving, and supportive husband and we could not get through anything without you!! We love you and appreciate all the very special ways you love us and take care of our entire family! I know that you will be the most fantastic dad one day soon and look forward to it one day. For all the dads out there, or soon to be dads we hope you enjoyed this special day and that you deserve to be honored everyday. Jason and I are very blessed to have Dads that love and support us. Our dads are a beautiful example of what a man should aspire to be one day and they serve as role models to us both, we love you both and hope you enjoyed your special day of relaxation and appreciation. Really there are no words that can describe how much we love you both!!

UPDATE: First of all, I changed the background to the airplane flying in the sky because we are on a journey with adoption, and just got back from a wonderful vacation in D.C. Jason and I had time to get away and spend some much needed quality time together. This time brought us to an understanding that God has the absolute perfect plan for us and our child ,and that our timing for a child doesn't seem to be now. I realize many people will say," why don't you do this, or try this, why are you giving up so soon, or call someone about this option?" but the past few months have been emotionally taxing and a break is what we need. We both love our life and the busy pace at which we live it and know that God will show us his way when its HIS time not ours. The past few months have been extremely difficult and filled with much disappointment. For me personally,(no sugar coating- I promised transparency) it has shown me that others will let me down and have let me down but three things remain unchanged and that is that God, my husband, and our families will always be there . It has also shown me how much I need to rely on God to get through something so painful. Many days its very lonely and makes me feel helpless and alone because I do not have anyone to say to me, " I understand, I have been there!" I look around at people with there children and think, I hope they know how BLESSED they are to have children and how much joy they bring to their family- I wish I had that!! and then God quietly whispers to me,
"Christina, your time is coming... Be patient and wait with GREAT expectation, I am preparing you (And Jason) but you have to wait!" and then I of course argue with God and tell him I know better and that I am ready now- the great thing about God is that HE knows me better than I know myself. Our faith has been tested over the years we have been going through this and we have come out on top and stronger than ever as a couple. Jason has been the strongest rock I could lean on and has been there reassuring me that God is in control every step of the way (when my own faith wavered)!
It is hard to not look at others and see where they are and compare yourself to where you think you should be based on what everyone else is doing- but we are human and we ALL do it at one point or another !(If you are reading this go ahead and admit it to yourself-denial gets us no where LOL) I feel at times so far behind everyone when it comes to having children, but it's not a race and when God tells us its OUR time ..... It will be OUR time and we will be excited, ecstatic, anxious, prepared, and so joyous throughout the journey. This journey is far from over and I hope people will be encouraged to keep reading this blog and share their experiences or this blog with anyone else on this journey.

Mother's Day

What makes a woman a good mother? This question could be answered with any number of the typical attributes you and I would come up with. Most, however would gloss over the seemingly obvious supposed prerequisite that the woman actually have children. On this mother's day, I'd challenge that notion. My wife, Christina is a good mother. Period. She is loving, thoughtful, sacrificial, hard-working, thrifty, elegant, patient, caring, protective, gentle and the host of other adjectives of which you were thinking when I posed my primary question. So today, on a difficult day in this "journey for a family," I wish Christina a happy mother's day. She deserves it. She has all the attributes of a good mother. However, God has chosen for her to wait to bless a child or children with her superior qualities of mothering. In the mean-time, our two dogs, might be the luckiest four-legged creatures on earth. :) I asked them this morning and they said their mommy is the "world's greatest mommy." They asked me if they could get her a water bowl that said that on it, and I told them that instead, I'm sure she'd appreciate a big hug and kiss (lick) on the forehead. We love you, Christina! Happy Mother's Day!

Yet another set back...

After posting yesterday's blog I was determined to get in a positive mindset about this entire experience and push forward. This morning everything changed.. again... I received a call from another agency telling us yet again that they could not help us. They did say if we changed our minds they could look at our paperwork, but that it could take YEARS to get a child (and yes they told me YEARS). I will not lie.. I had a complete meltdown in my bosses office, thank goodness that she was there to hug me in that moment because I was just devastated again (Thanks Suezan)... yes again for the second time in a two week period. What is God trying to tell us, show us? Again, where do we go from here? Then I realized after seeing my husband and talking about this whole thing- he reminded me that we have God and each other (and our sweet pups) and that is GREAT! We have been so very blessed over the past six years, and despite the pain we are feeling at this point, at least we have our faith to help us get through this.God has blessed us in so many beautiful ways and we are giving this to HIM to show us what is next. I know that people will want to offer suggestions for what they think we should do next, but that is up to us to decide and we are prayerful that God will help us make the next move. I hope to personally be able to move forward, but I feel like my feet are cemented in this same spot, and I am trying desperately to run forward but CAN'T( This is so frustrating!!!). I was also reminded today by my sweet friend Stacey, that when a door closes, maybe we should find a window to open and crawl through... so we will wait for "the window" that only God himself can open for us, and then with complete FAITH we will crawl through it. Psalm 100:5 "For GOD is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and ever. (The Message)" This is a favorite verse and has helped me remember that God is loyal to us and HE will be there each and every step of the way to help us through this difficult time.

***A special thanks to my friend Kara who convinced me to post this blog today, she reminded me the importance of staying true to my commitment of sharing EVERY step-regardless of how good or bad it is. Thanks girl!

A Turning Point...

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would try to be as transparent as possible when documenting this journey we are on with adoption, so our child could know how their own personal journey begins. This past week was a VERY difficult blow for us. We received news that the agency we were working with could not help us. After almost four months, we are in search of a new agency and a new plan. This has been so hard that even typing this is painfully difficult. We have tried to have a child for so long, and the first door we walk into has closed in our faces. For me personally, this has shaken me to the point where I do not know where to go from here. I know some of you may be thinking, well you just started you have to expect to have some let downs right? But, getting to this point of finding an agency, filling out a mountain of paperwork, and getting excited (even though I told myself I won't) has shaken us. This is a very difficult time, but we have already begun seeking other options. We know that this is in God's in control and feel like HE WILL ABSOLUTELY PROVIDE!!! This time is somewhat of a turning point personally as well,because it is very difficult to find people who can relate and some days it is all I can do but smile and try not to think about it... but it is devastating. Thanks to all of you (you know who you are) who have listened and encouraged us this week- you guys have been great.We know that God will help us through this time and HE will show us what is next. We ask for your prayers as we try to move forward.

The Sponsorship Experience

We submitted our Adoption packet on February 5th, 2010. Driving to drop it off had me thinking about how our life will change when we get our child. It has been "just us" for quite awhile,and we always here how "a baby changes everything," but we are so excited about our "child to be" and feel confident that God will help us adjust.Dropping it off felt like taking a 1,000 pound weight off of our shoulders, and now we prepare for our home study, another chapter ...which is one step closer to our Forever Family.
As part of our MAPP class we had the opportunity to sign up to be matched with a child in foster care and be there sponsor for a weekend a month. What this means is that we would take a child into our home each month for one weekend (and holidays) so they can see what a typical family is like. Our very first weekend with our child, who some of you have already had the opportunity to meet, was last weekend. We had a full weekend, dinners out,pink pancakes, celebrating Valentine's Day early, video games, fishing with Jason and Luke,playing with Baby and Emma (our dogs), cookie decorating, church, and pottery painting. WOW! Just typing that was ALOT! We had a simply wonderful first weekend together with our sponsor child and saw what a difference we can make in just a weekend.Jason and him bonded so well and it was truly AMAZING for me to see my husband around a child. He has been around children before, this was different in that I got to see a glimpse of what kind of dad he will be. He is so patient, thoughtful, caring, and kind and was AWESOME with him!!! Our sponsor child was so excited about everything, no matter how small, he laughed, asked lots of questions, and wanted to always know what was going to happen next. We were totally exhausted but it WAS SO WORTH IT!!! EVERY MINUTE of it!!! I was told by my sweet friend Stephanie that there might be some tears (from me) when I had to drop him off,cant believe I am saying this but I honestly did not think it would affect me but she was RIGHT and I was WRONG!! She should of bet me because she totally would have won. As we started the journey back, he was sad that Jason was not with us because he had to work and said, " why do I have to go back? I was only here two days!" That was so hard to hear. And when leaving our final destination he said, " Make sure Baby and Emma don't forget about me!" This child has already made an impression on us already and WILL NEVER be forgotten, not even by the dogs. The next morning,Baby and Emma actually went and sat at his door after he left waiting for him- so cute!! But that simple statement brought an adult to tears on the drive home and made me realize how much we have to offer a child. We recognize that what this child needs is quality time and love and that is what we intend to provide. Just one weekend has blessed us SOOOOO much and we cannot wait until our next weekend with our sweet sponsor child. Thanks for sharing the Journey!

We did it!!

Yesterday, we finished our 21 hour MAPP class! It was the end of one chapter, and the start of another, as we meet this week to start the process of our home study. This class helped us to be reflective about what we desire for our family and understand what many children in foster care and adoption go through each and every day in order to reach their FOREVER Family. It is so hard to hear what these children have endured or may endure... more than some of us ever will as adults.God has adopted us into his kingdom and we have become HIS children, why wouldn't we do the same for one of HIS own? This child, who I have called ( and will refer to often as) "sweet child of ours" has no idea who we are, or when they will meet us, but we are prayerful that the transition in becoming their parents will be one that fills them with hope, joy, and love as well glorifies GOD. We know that God will guide us as parents, and that we may even have to ask you all (friends and family) for advice on occasion. We really could not do this without all of your prayers and support and we love you all for your prayers and words of encouragement.

WAITING....

Isn't there an expression or song... "Waiting is the hardest part, Patience is a virtue" I can completely AGREE, each step we take inching closer to the reality of having a child is exciting, but with step comes a waiting period. Since it is unknown when we will get our child, waiting IS absolutely the hardest part. The paperwork is nothing compared to the WAIT!!! We have had a joyous, blessed, and very busy life the past six years. Since getting married, traveling, and doing ministry we have been so busy that the thought of waiting at this beginning stage is hard, because we know the wait will continue to get longer. I think this is God's way of preparing us and allowing us to give Him the glory every step of the way.Over the past six years we have had two wonderful, fun, exciting, and crazy little loves in our lives... BABY AND EMMA!!! These two sweet rat terriers have brought us complete JOY, LAUGHTER, and LOTS OF SMILES!!! We are looking forward to them meeting and getting to know the new addition to the family, and know that God gave us these sweet Loves during this WAITING to love on us. We are blessed in so very many ways and take each step knowing that God is in control.

PAPERWORK

Today was our second MAPPS Class (one more to go) and we left with a thick packet of paperwork. As you probably can imagine, or if you know anyone who has ever adopted a child, the paperwork is massive!!! Question, after question, after question.We will get through it all, and it all really has brought some healing and understanding of the process. The joy will come when ALL pages have been submitted. Jason and I are learning a great deal about adoption and fostering, but also a great deal about each other as well. This has been an exciting experience that has made us aware of our daily blessings, and amazed us at how well our parents raised us. We have shed some tears, and know that many more will be shed along the way, but the thought of completing our family is making everyday and every piece of paper WORTH IT. Our parents have done a fabulous job in raising us, and even when we were difficult they loved us just the same. We both have realized how blessed we are and how easily our lives could have gone in a different direction like the children who are waiting to be adopted today.We could have easily been one the ones of these children who have been in foster care bouncing from one house to another. God knew the plans he had for us, and knows that our child is out there waiting for us! We plan to continue to uplift and glorify God every step of the way, even in the hardest of times. Thank you to our friends as well, who have been soooooooo supportive of this journey, and for being HAPPY, ACCEPTING, and PRAYERFUL about our decision. We love you all!!!

Fingerprints

When you adopt a child, you have to do many things that are not the "norm" when you have a child.When a baby is born, they are weighed, measured, and their tiny little fingers and footprints are taken.Yesterday afternoon, we traveled to Human Services. Knowing that everything would be fine, I still experienced nerves.Suddenly it hit me... A mother will have to give up her child... the thought of thought troubled me for quite awhile. I kept thinking of how hard a decision like that had to be and thinking about how she would feel about us.My prayer is that whoever she is, that she will find peace and love when that decision is made.

I feel like every new thing we do, or hoop we jump through is one small step closer to parenthood. The nerves are exciting, kinda like the butterflies you get when you are about to get married and your walking down the aisle towards the love of your life, and you think to yourself, " This aisle got longer, can't I just run to him?" Each step we take gets us closer and closer to the reality of parenthood. Questions start running through your mind, "Will I be a good mom/dad,will he/she get used to us?, How will we handle telling them about their birth parents when they ask?."

Even though we have a lot to consider and be prayerful about one thing is for sure, God will be there to guide us every single step of the way. It all makes us excited about what God has in store for the Pamblanco Family.

( Thanks to Carrie for these bibs- we do not know at this time if we are adopting a boy or girl, or what age they will be (only God knows), but if we do get a boy first we will save these for the little girl we want to adopt from China, when Jason is "of age" LOL LOL. Love ya Carrie!!)

How did we get here?

Many people believe that having a child or getting pregnant is somewhat simple and straight forward. Before we met I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, which left me with a 10 pound mass in my abdomen, a less than 10% chance of having a child, and a huge scar on my stomach.About three dates into meeting my sweet husband I decided I should tell him in advance in case he wanted to "bow out" while he could. His reaction was straight from the Lord, " Jason, my chances of conceiving a child one day are not good, less that 10%- his response," What you don't believe in adoption?" Words could have not rolled off a tongue any sweeter then those precious words.... ADOPTION! God had provided me with a Godly man of Integrity who had a heart for Adoption. After almost fours years of trying, crying, and "whying" (asking why ALOT) we decided that 2010 would be our year to move forward with adoption. After all, God ADOPTS us into HIS Kingdom when we are saved so why not adopt one of His own children? On January 9th, 2010 we started our first MAPP class through the Florida Baptist Children's Home. MAPP is a class designed to help couples who want to adopt, foster, or foster to adopt to gain knowledge about the children they may bring into their existing families. Going into the class Jason was calm and collective, while I myself was nervous not quite knowing yet was to come. After talking with sweet friends from church (they know who they are) I was told that this would be a time of healing, and that is exactly what I got only 5 minutes into the class. A devotional was shared at the beginning where we were reminded that delay is NOT denial- meaning that just because God has delayed a pregnancy it did not mean He was denying us a child. Quite the opposite, God has been preparing over the years for this exact moment in time...for the moment we get our child. Time, patience, and God's grace has prepared for this very stage our our life.